Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Friday, March 18, 2016

Why isn't Allegiant the last Divergent film? Because- Four.


I see what you did there Allegiant movie team, and I’m not even mad at you! 

My body is ready!

"On a scale of zero to Allegiant, how much did they change?'  This is the standard question to now be used when speaking about book to movie adaptations.
We're certainly pushing it
 
So, on a scale from zero to Allegiant, how bad is my pain?  The correct answer of course is always Four, even when it’s not. 
The answer is always Four
 
The Allegiant movie is a standalone piece of work that pulls from author Veronica Roth’s third novel of the same name.  To be fair, I’m really not sure why people are surprised that the film wandered as far from the source material as it did.  Insurgent wasn’t exactly a page for page adaptation either, liberties were certainly taken. 
Remember me?
 
Couple that with the fact that a lot of fans were not happy when they read Allegiant, and I’d think people would enjoy the fresh take on the franchise; the angry mob cries of teenage girls in the movie theater, however, would seem to indicate otherwise.
Calm down teens!
 
If you’re the glass half-empty type of book fan, you will leave the theater feeling like your world has been crushed and your heart has been unapologetically ripped from your chest.  You should know that you are also being really melodramatic, just like the teen girls who were sitting in front of me. 

Which side is your soul?
 
Change isn’t always a bad thing, as a matter of fact, change is good.  You change your underwear every day I hope.  Puberty is change, sure it has its ups and downs, but it leads you to a fruitful world of unending possibility.  There are a lot of feelings involved, I know, but don’t be dramatic about it, go with it! 
 
Let’s face it; Veronica Roth’s Allegiant really wasn’t expansive enough to constitute two movies.  For that to happen, the world was going to have to be expanded, and in some cases that expansion has completely changed the layout. 
So without further ado- Plot, plot, plot, plot...

I am

So, this movie was all over the book landscape.  I think I see what they are going for, I could be wrong, but I doubt it.  The first part of the book is loosely represented in the first part of the film.  The second half of the film seemed to focus heavily on the part of the novel ending that took place in Chicago, with some major differences and yet still the same idea.  These events then set up a sort of whole new layer to the plot that I anticipate will heavily influence the first part of Ascendant, with the second half of Ascendant containing that stuff from the end of the novel that took place at the Bureau of Genetic Fuckupery.  It’s a clever way to take limited content and spread it out by adding content instead of filer.  I may be in the minority here, but I do see what they were going for, and I applaud it. 

Someone who gets it

There were many things that the film did well, the most obvious for me being that they were able to really capture the split perspective, between Four and Tris, the way it was represented in the book.  I’d go as far as to say that Allegiant was more heavily focused on Four, which you will never hear me complain about. 
It makes me dizzy, but I don't even care
 
Theo James’ role this time around was very physical, more so than in the past two films even.  I’d seriously watch Four sitting on a couch, watching the Smurfs for two hours, so getting to see him kick some serious ass was an all-around good time. 
All day!
 
Hormones aside, Four is one of my favorite literary characters.  He is a complicated, layered and temperamental individual.  His response to the fringe, and what the bureau was doing there, was exactly as it should have been.  I fully support the shower he took before leaving, though.
Is it me or is his hair dry?


Why wouldn’t he have a Truman show like Four fan club?  I can’t think of a single reason. 
OMG, FOUR!
 
Know what else was an improvement?  Tris’ slightly longer, less wish troll, length hair.  Thank you Shailene.  Otherwise, Tris was typical Tris, pretty in line with what the character goes through in the book.  She did get to straddle Four while scaling a wall.  She can now cross that off of her bucket list, and I can add it to mine. 
Top of my list!
Suspend disbelief engaged! 
Yes, apparently Tris can fly a pod-plane thing.
 
Speaking of things done well- Miles Teller does it well.  Peter has consistently been one of my favorite parts of the movie series, and that is owed 100% to Miles.  The snark and the douchey charm are impossible not to loathe and love at the same time.  I was slightly disappointed that his existential introspective plotline was left behind; leaving us entirely with the same old opportunistic Peter we’ve always known.  I’m seriously hoping that gets explored in Ascendant. 
Word!
 
That said; let’s have some quick quipped convo about the direction and misdirection some characters were taken in. 


Hey, at least they killed Tori, right? 
To die?
 
Caleb, you started off like the Caleb I know, and you ended the film in a completely different way.  The Allegiant movie team seems to have Robin Hooded Peter’s sort of redemption arc, and in this story, Caleb, you are the poor.  It was actually nice to watch Caleb awkwardly stumble his way to bravery and back into Tris’ good graces. 
Jail can change a guy.
 
This guy- that memory serum engulfed him enough to make him forget how annoying he is, right? 
Why doesn't she love me?

 
Nita, I adore you and your downplayed role.  Here is to serving your purpose and nothing more!

Let's stir some shit up!

This Norman Bates side-part guy was seriously creeping me out.  Whether it was lurking in a corner and staring, or using his oddly soothing voice to spy on Tris while she undressed and got cleansed, he was freaking me the hell out.  But he saved Four so it’s all good. 
It's pretty creepy.
 
Amar… 
 
Exactly.

We all loved David, right?  The dumb and dumberest smart guy around, of course he thinks he is doing the right thing.  Naturally, he is totally evil.   

Seems legit.

Alright, I could do this all day really, but I have other stuff to do, like work, that makes me money.  I do want to touch on the aspect of the technology, though.  Flying pods, floating lifts, and pure city were just a few of the new additions to the film that fell a bit flat. 

WTF is happening here?

I get it, these people have the technology to genetically engineer humans, and so they should have had more advanced types of other technology than what we saw in the novels, but floating people pods, really?  The exception to this rule was the droid tech, now that was fun! 

I'll have one, thanks.

Pure city sounds like an awful boring place, by the way.  Do you agree?  Let me know in the comments.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

What's With Today, Today

Today is a great day to be a nerd. It's both the release date of the final Hunger Games film, more on that later, and the fall finale of Heroes Reborn.

In honor of the later I dug up an old song parody I did back when the original Heroes show was in full swing. It is reminiscent of better times, back when Matt Parkman only mind raped and held prisoner people who deserved it; the days when he shared a place with Mohinder Suresh, and the two of them did a really bad job at raising and protecting Molly. The homoerotic subtext was everywhere; it was a shippers dream. This song pays tribute to that shipper romance, from the perspective of Mo Suresh, and is a parody of the best song to parody ever- Baby Got Back.

That look, though!

My Two Inept Dads



So, anyway,  without further ado, I give you...

Parkman Got Back

[Intro]
Oh, my, God. Maya, look at his butt.
It is so big. He looks like,
one of those company guys.

But, y'know, who understands those company guys?
They don’t even need to talk to him,
he can totally read their minds, que?
I mean, his butt, is just so big.
I can't believe it's just so round, it's like,
out there, I mean – it makes me want to cry. Look!
He's just so…
Maya…dying… MAYA


[Sur Eshs-a-lot]
I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other heroes can't deny
That when a dude walks in with a gun on his waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna get mackin'
'Cause you noticed that cop was packin'
Deep in the jeans Matt's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna live with ya
And raise a GPS enabled kid(a)
The company boys tried to warn me
But those doe eyes you got make me feel so corny

Ooh, Officer Parkman
You say you wanna live in my apartment
Well, mind rape me, so slow
'Cause you ain't that average hero

I've seen him working
It gets me smirking
Cause he's sweet, bliss
Gets me going like mitosis
I'm tired of Isaac's paintings
Saying Claire is the thing
Take the average Indian scientist and ask him that
I'd rather have Matt!
So, Us! (Yeah!) Them! (Yeah!)
Has your lover got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Parkman got back!

(NYPD face with a fluffy booty)
Parkman got back!

[Sur Eshs--a-lot]
I like em’ strong and big
And when I'm in acting like a doofus
I just can’t help myself, sometimes I’m not that bright
But Matt makes it right
I wanna get him home
And use my beaker to, ugh, make.his.bunsen.burner
I ain't talkin' bout all guys
It's mind control that makes me sigh
I like em real big and goofy
maybe with a little stubble
Mess-up-a lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble

So I'm lookin' at company files
Men with powers of many different styles
You can keep that frat
I'll keep my men like Matt

A word to my law enforcement brotha, I wanna get wit ya
I won’t try to bullshit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I'm gonna…
Do something stupid whenever your gone
Parky got it goin' on
Some shippers won't like this song
'Cause they'd rather see me with Sylar
But I'd rather share a flat with Matt
Cause I’m smart, also dumb,
And I’m down to get my Science on!

So, ladies! {Yeah!} Fella's! {Yeah}
If you wanna role in my yellow cab {Yeah!}
Then turn around! Stick it out!
Even labcoats got to shout
Parkman got back!

Parkman got back!
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to partners, Bob ain't got nothin'
to do with my selection.  One of them? Ha ha, only if he reads minds.

[Sur-eshs-a-lot]
So Monica can build a Honda, Or do workouts just like Fonda
But Monica ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
Sureshies anaconda don't want none
Unless it's from Parkman!

Peter can paint, Nathan can fly
But they just aren’t my Matt
His wife wanted to play that "hard" role
And tell him that the mind reading's got to go
So she decided to toss it and leave it
And I pulled up quick to retrieve it

So Bob says that your daft
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause you make that face when you’re reading my mind
and I’m thinking it’s time
Me and Niki being partners
That ain't the right thing!
Give me Matty and Mohinder
And I won’t even miss her

So Sylar tried to dis
'Cause his name was on my daddies list
He saw Matt and tried to kill em
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em
So dudes, if the butt is round,
And you want a double helix throw down,
Dial 1-900-INU-ENDO a lot
And project them nasty thoughts
Parkman got back!

(Nathan in the middle, if it's okay with Matt! X4)